The worst kinds of people are those who are bothered by your pain. Those who find your wounds and hurts a repulsive annoyance. The worst kinds of people… Eesh!
I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. Am I heartless? Are my emotions unresponsive to events that unfold in my reality and affect my person directly, as I witness it? A few days ago I was watching an episode of the Powerpuff Girls where Buttercup yelled at Bubbles for drawing on the playground with her crayons and then stomped on them till they broke into bits and pieces. Buttercup began taunting Bubbles with “Oh, are you gonna cry?” Bubbles began to cry and I started crying with her. Truly and deeply feeling her pain as though it were mine. This isn’t foreign to me at all. And yet, the undoing of multiple friendships and the sudden cutting of ties, break-ups and fading relations… Not a tear shed. Not the tiniest pang of pain. Why? Why is it that I usually find an outlet for emotional release often through fictional mediums or detached petty happenings; characters in a show or a cartoon or through a kitten meowing desperately for its mother? Why am I moved by this but not the pivotal events in my life? I haven’t cried about my loneliness yet. I haven’t cried about the many weekends ahead I will be spending either in the gym or at home. I haven’t cried about anything particular that has happened to me. I did cry about the feeling of being thrown into that familiar dark corner, that pit of pity, the space of loathing, discontentment, whose walls have been painted nastily with fresh bad memories and unmade choices. The feeling of a vague experience whose particularity is both variable and irrelevant. A feeling that I’ve felt when only when I’ve come to the realization that my autonomy has been severely suppressed. Not a tear for the people gone. Not a tear for the many folk that have made their appearance in my life and left an ugly mark where they once lingered. No. Not a tear for the particular, as though nothing happens to me. Only to the world around me as I perceive it and respond accordingly.